Why Can't I Be Here Read online

  “I ate the most wonderful breakfast,” was all she could think to say.

  The party started behind her. The music, the dancing, the singing, everyone suddenly started with the celebrations. From a door she could only identify as the kitchen, people came out holding trays with appetizers and drinks.

  Without thinking it, Kerri stared at the food trays feeling her mouth water behind her lips. Noticing immediately, Brian snatched one of the trays from one of his friends and handed it to her.

  “You must be hungry, I gather,” he said.

  She was starving. It occurred to her she had forgotten to eat anything after breakfast. “I am very hungry.” S he took a cheese cube from the tray, popping it into her mouth. “I must’ve forgotten to eat while I waited for your return.”

  Brian smiled at her as if he were looking at a child. He then guided her to the bedroom where she had slept the night before.

  “I want you to be happy here,” he told her. By then, they had both eaten enough. The half empty tray now rested on the floor next to the bed where they both sat.

  With one hand, Brian touched her face outlining her features with the back of his fingers. It was eerie how he just stared at her, almost like he was adoring her, wanting her, but keeping his distance out of respect for her.

  Kerri felt loved and needed; unfortunately, there was something bigger that wasn’t letting her enjoy the moment she was sure she had waited a long time to enjoy.

  “Brian,” she began softly. “Can you tell me why I’m here?”

  Brian clearly felt her concern, his hand promptly fell on his lap as his eyes told of his sudden sorrow. He understood what she meant. He had the answer, yet she felt it would be hard for him to reveal the truth she wanted to uncover.

  “You visit once in a while,” he explained after a long moment of silence. When he smiled tenderly, he looked down at the hands on his lap; Kerri was sure tears were threatening to come out. Turning to face her, he added, “You always find your way back to me.”

  She appreciated his words even when they weren’t answering her questions. “Brian, I can’t remember how we met, how can I come back to you if I don’t remember anything about you?” Kerri asked with concern. “I mean, I can remember your face and for some reason, I can remember the faces of the other five, your brothers, but not this house or the rest of the people here.” Why am I here? she wanted to ask.

  “The ones you don’t know come and go. They are only here to keep us company. I must confess it’s a relief to have them around; they have made our lives bearable. You know how it can get… well, maybe you can’t remember right now, but you know.”

  Hearing this made her growl in frustration. “I keep hearing that. I keep hearing how I made myself forget. But I don’t understand, Brian. It doesn’t make any sense. How can any of it make any sense?”

  She could tell he wasn’t enjoying the moment. “I don’t really know how your mind works. You have always been one of a kind.” Shifting on the bed, he continued, “You once told me that you wanted to forget and then you taught me to forget it, too. I remember forgetting because it is better to forget some things,” he shrugged. “It just is. I am starting to remember now. I started remembering ever since I saw you arrive, yet I know when I’m done remembering everything I will forget again one day.”

  “That doesn’t make sense.”

  “It doesn’t have to make sense. What I do know is that we have all been following the rules and everything has worked fine so far. Don’t you think?”

  Kerri nodded, though she was still lost in her thoughts, not really knowing what she was supposed to know, what she was supposed to think. Letting Brian take her into his arms again, she rested her head on his chest. She could hear the soothing beat of his heart.

  “I missed you,” Kerri whispered suddenly. “I love hearing your voice. I love being in your presence. I love everything there is to love about you.”

  Brian smiled, his hand combing her hair. “I’m glad you chose to remember that.”

  When Kerri next woke up, she found Gaby standing by her bedroom door like she had done the previous day. She wore an oversized beige sweatshirt and blue skinny jeans. Her hair, always black, always long, fell perfectly straight behind her back.

  “Good morning,” Kerri welcomed the somber figure by the door. Gaby did nothing but raise one eyebrow. “Is something the matter?”

  “It isn’t morning.”

  “It’s not?” Kerri quickly turned to look at the window, which was covered by the thick curtain. She noticed then, on the floor, that she could barely see the sun’s rays reflected on the wood. Soon, it would be dark again. Gaby was right, she had slept for a long time.

  “It will be dark in a few hours,” informed Gaby. “You slept all day.” Her childish voice almost sweet behind a bored, adult tone.

  Kerri’s eyes moved from the young pale woman to the tall, lanky boy who appeared next to her under the door frame. It was one of the boys who lived in the house. She recognized him from the last two nights. The young man wore a simple white undershirt and gray sweatpants. Nothing else.

  Once he knew he had his mistress’ attention, he interrupted their moment. “Gaby, we need to talk to you, do you have a minute?”

  “Of course, Jamie, be right there,” Gaby said, her tone changed when she addressed him, so different from the dryness she used to talk to her guest. “If you are hungry, there’s food in the kitchen. Or you could go out if you want. Do as you wish,” and she left the room.

  Kerri decided to get out of there, without Brian, she did not feel welcome in the house. If only she could understand why. What could she have possibly done wrong to upset the girl with the childish voice?

  The living room was completely empty when she crossed it to reach the main door. Behind her, she heard their whispers. They all must be in some other room in the house where they could talk and conspire against her. It was suddenly clear they did not want her in the house. It was now evident they did not want her there to seduce Brian, perhaps compel him to leave. He was theirs and she was now sure they feared she would take him from them.

  Perhaps she was uninvited, but Brian and his brothers wanted her there. They needed her there. It was with these thoughts in her mind that she left the house planning to come back only when the sun had completely set.

  She didn’t come back until late that night, hours after the sun had disappeared on the horizon. Like the night before, Brian was anxiously waiting for her return.

  Kerri felt all eyes on her when Brian ran to her arms, filling her with kisses, telling her how worried he’d been. Only she had no plans of staying in that dreadful place. Taking his face in her hands, she asked, “Come out of this House with me, please. We don’t want to stay here, do we?”

  “You want me to walk outside this house?” he asked, his face showing unexplained terror. “Surely you’re not serious. They will see me!” Kerri didn’t understand what the big deal was. What difference would make? Outside the streets had been abandoned as she had walked down the road to reach the house again from the park. What could be the problem? “Kerri, this is against the rules,” Brian insisted.

  Kerri frowned, tired of being confused all the time. “Then, tell me. Tell me what happens then? What happens if people see you? Please,” she now turned to look at her audience, she faced each one of them as she pleaded to know what was happening.

  “I don’t know, they’ll start asking questions and I can’t afford to let them know what happens to us by day,” Brian began. “I just… we can’t risk what we have. That’s why that’s the rule. We have to stay here. No one should see us.”

  Was that all? They walked in and out of that house every day and no one stopped them, but leave without the cloak and suddenly people would wonder?

  And… what in the world happened to them by day?

  “Tell me, Brian. Tell me what happens to you during the day?”

  There were whispers. The circle around them
knew the questioning had to stop. Kerri didn’t care, all she did was stare intently at Brian, expecting an answer.

  “Kerri,” he began.

  She would not have it. “If you don’t tell me what happens during the day, I will leave, Brian. I swear it!”

  He could surely hear the desperation in her voice, see the tears forming in her eyes. “Kerri,” Brian finally began his confession. “You know we have to transform.”

  “Transform?” Into what?

  Brian cleared his throat, well aware everybody in that house was waiting to see what he would do. “If what you really want is to go outside the house, then we could-“

  “Brian.” That had been Gaby. Her voice stern and strong even if it still sounded childish. Kerri saw Brian give a step back, his head bobbing as he nodded absentmindedly.

  It was then that she realized this child-woman had control over him. Over them.

  “Oh, I see.” Kerri’s voice was crisp with anger. “You will listen to her, won’t you? But not to me, I, who love you, Brian, and who has traveled a long journey to see you!”

  It was difficult for Brian to meet her gaze, she could see that. It was also clear he was wary of Gaby, whose eyes were on him, expecting him to obey the rules. “Kerri,” he began, careful of what he was about to say. “In this generation, Gaby is our Keeper. That’s her job. It is also her job, as it was her mother’s, and her mother’s mother for centuries, to know what we all have chosen to forget.” Kerri turned to Gaby as if she was something to be feared. The one with the knowledge. Brian continued, “She’s only trying to protect us, she… she’s our Keeper.”

  Kerri did not want to let Brian’s anguish take her attention away from what she wanted. And she wanted him. And she wanted to get out of that house and find a place where they could be alone, together, forever.

  When Kerri took Brian’s hand, Gaby quickly gave a step forward. Brian took it as a warning, releasing himself from Kerri’s touch.

  With hatred in her eyes, Kerri turned to Gaby, “The Keeper, are you?”

  It was Brian who came to her defense, this time prepared to communicate a warning he had been given earlier that night. “Not only that, Kerri; Gaby has reminded us you must leave soon, so let’s not waste time. We only have a few days left to be together before…”

  This Kerri didn’t expect, she jumped in surprise and disgust at the girl who meant to separate her from her lover. Her eyes burned for a moment. “I will do no such thing,” she hissed.

  Brian remained calm. He knew her. Whatever it was, he knew. Was he starting to remember more? “You will have to, Kerri. You’ve never been able to stay with us for long.”

  Confusion, anger, helplessness. It was all becoming a blur of emotion. Around her, everyone stared. “I don’t understand. Why must I leave? Why can’t I be here?”

  “Because it’s part of the rules,” Brian insisted. Something had changed within him. Yes. He had remembered the rest. Whatever it was, he now knew. Again.

  Kerri sighed. She knew she had lost the battle. She knew there were too many things she didn’t understand. She asked, “And you believe these rules?”

  Brian stopped. Facing Kerri and taking her shoulders firmly with both hands. “You will understand soon. You need to be ready to remember.” Brian then took a deep breath. “Know this,” he started once again, “Terrible things will happen and it will only get worse once you understand.”

  “But—“

  He wouldn’t let her talk, “I love you no matter what. I don’t care how forbidden our love is. If it takes forever, I will love you forever.”

  Tears were falling down her cheeks, her world had no beginning and only an end that would soon come. She struggled with the words between sobs, “H-How can you say that to me and then ask me to leave this place!?”

  “Forgive me but, it’s the way it must be done.”

  Kerri spent the rest of the night alone, staring at the road in front of her, on the porch outside. Once in a while, a passerby would stop to stare, probably wondering who she was; they were less frequent as it got later in the night. When finally dawn approached, she heard Brian and the rest preparing to leave. Right before daybreak, they all came out silently out of the house, their bodies covered from head to toe with the dark gray hooded cloaks. They did not stop to say goodbye. They were late to the hiding place where the transformation should take place.

  Kerri watched them go realizing she didn’t feel tired at all. It was peculiar, not being tired. On the contrary, she felt full with life and ready to do more. Giving a quick glance at the house behind her, she stood up and started walking away from it and almost decided never to come back.

  “Where are you going?” It was Gaby. Her sweet voice coming from behind her. Ignoring her presence, Kerri simply kept walking, her eyes now on the park, her destination. She had a lot to think about, after all. She heard Gaby’s voice again. Not only that, she had been hearing her footsteps behind her. “Where are you going?” she repeated the question.

  With a roll of her eyes, Kerri turned around to face her.

  “Why are you following me, Gaby?” she asked irritably. Gaby stopped walking, her arms limp beside her with her long black hair moved only slightly by the wind. It was perhaps the whiteness of her skin, possibly caused by her constant lockdown inside the house, which made her look almost ethereal, like a ghost.

  When she finally spoke, she did it with the same childish voice that now scratched Kerri’s ears in annoyance every time she heard it. “The time has come to warn you that you must leave,” the girl said. “This is why I am here.”

  Kerri stood there like a statue as she heard the insufferable news. As much as she wanted to feel and look surprised, she wasn’t in the least. What else was new? Of course she wouldn’t be able to stay for long, in fact, moments ago she almost made up her mind to leave and never return. Anger grew within her, the air around her became warmer. Feeling the heat, Kerri lost contact with Gaby’s stare giving a step back from the thick air. Gaby didn’t seem to notice.

  Quickly, Kerri thought of something to say, “Tell me what you hate so much about me, then. Tell me what the secret is. What is this glorious reason why I must leave?

  Cocking her head to one side, Gaby’s eyebrows met. “I don’t hate you. How can I?” she said as soft as she could. “I am the Keeper and this is my job. I chose to follow my family’s footsteps before me.”

  Keeper? One more thing Kerri didn’t understand. “Who in your family appointed you Keeper?”

  “No. You did, of course. Only I doubt if you remember yet.”

  Her words kept getting more infuriating by the second. “I did?” Surely she would remember if she had.

  “Yes. Well, a long time ago, you appointed one of my ancestors, Keeper. I am simply the last descendant of that line of Keepers. I, and I alone, have the power to control you and keep you as you are as much as my magic will allow. All my life I have trained for this moment.”

  “M-Magic?” Kerri shook her head. Perhaps she was in an insane asylum and she hadn’t noticed. “I don’t understand.”

  Looking in the distance, Gaby continued, “My power is great as long as you are ignorant of your own power. It is in this form that I have some control. Once you remember the truth it will be harder for me to contain you. There are always consequences… if you stay.”

  “You lie,” Kerri sneered. “I am not a fool. This is just a trick to keep me away from him. Jealousy. That’s what this is.”

  One more time the air around her grew thicker, warmer. One more time Kerry gave a step back, her anger forgotten if only for a second at the change in pressure around her. Whatever Gaby seemed to be doing had to be watched for. Perhaps, behind that sweet childish voice, something that was to be feared was hiding.

  Turning to face her, she found Gaby simply staring back at her. Motionless. No matter what Kerri said or did, Gaby would not budge, it seemed. She had said her piece and that was that.

  If only
she could remember. What wouldn’t she give to remember? Somehow, she could feel those memories slowly creeping back to the light, but… no. They were locked to her, soon they would resurface. She was sure of it.

  For now, all she could do was wait.

  Gaby stood there for a while after Kerri had run away back to the safety of the park down the road. This was her first time to enforce her position of Keeper and she wished her mother had still been alive to help her deal with it.

  For now, she moved both hands from her sides to hold her belly. The child who was coming would soon take her place and like her mother did, she would explain the truth to an innocent babe who will not care for the responsibility until it was too late. Unfortunately, there was little her family could do about the magic bestowed upon them. The only one who could relieve them of their curse would soon disappear once again, their fate the last thing on her mind.

  Once the air was cooled down again, Gaby returned to the house. There, she slept. Soon, the men would come and that night would be a night she would never forget.

  Gaby stood in the middle of a circle made by the six men in the long cloaks. They’re hoods still covering their faces making the scene look out of some strange evil ritual. No doubt it was the way Gaby performed her evil magic on them. No doubt she had brainwashed them into thinking she was dangerous and should leave. The story Gaby had told the day before about how she was to blame for everything that was happening and would happen because she had appointed her with this great power was incredibly impossible.

  “Hello, Kerri,” Gaby interrupted her thoughts. Kerri jumped as if surprised by her welcome.

  “Where is everyone else?”

  The house was empty of those strangers that seemed to only live there to sleep, eat, and party. Everyone was gone except for the pale girl with the long hair and the six men dressed in dark cloaks.

  Gaby opened her mouth to speak, “I have sent them elsewhere for the evening. It is an important night, tonight.”

  “What do you mean?” Around her, the air began to thicken again. “Stop that!” Kerri shouted, frustration in her voice. Gaby only stared back, puzzled. Surely she was using her magic to creep her out. She then turned to face her lover. “Brian, please tell me you don’t believe what she says. You love me, I know you do. You can’t believe what she says.”